You Are Among Friends

yes. and a-thank you. : ) I LOVE YOUR HAIR.

so, when i was a teenager, i would fall HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE with any boy that gave me the time of day. all my friends were dating people, talking on the phone, writing notes and holding hands. i had NO ONE, but thought that because everyone else did i was missing something. and so, i did things like listen to the oldies station and think that " sugar pie honey bunch" was the perfect song describing my love for barry. then, i would SING THE SONG to barry during gym at the top of my lungs. thus, creeping him out and insuring that i would continue to feel left out of something. the really sad thing? i never even liked barry. he was just AVAILABLE. turns out, he was gay. ANYWAY.

in reality, i was a really awesome girl (i just tried and failed to find a link to that picture of me-- "still don't have a bf... YET"), and i wish i had someone telling me NOT EVERYONE HAS A BF. YOU DON'T NEED ONE.

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? i just had an irrational fear that every girl would be like, "uh... kelly, i had a boyfriend. we ALL did! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

anyway, this is really long, but my adolescence FUCKING SUCKED BALLS. so. . .

ummmm i could have written the above response, straight down to listening to the oldies station. my barry was named josh!

how about some advice on choosing an email address (or online presence in general, for that matter)? a nickname and your favorite number may seem cool when you're 13, but for college and job applications and professional networking 'snugglebunnie34' doesn't look so great. my dad set up my first email address with his nickname for me when i was 10 and it's still following me around over a decade later!

p.s. love the zine and the podcast! best of luck and congrats on the book!

I worried about my parents divorcing. And they did! Twice. Ugh.

In my late teens, I worried that leaving my mom behind after high school graduation would be the same thing as abandoning her since she was single.

I made the mistake of giving my virginity to an older boy when i was 17 because he pressured me into it. I think its important, personally, to pass on to girls that their body should be given only to those who are respectful and patient at the time that is right for them. Otherwise it's a bit haunting.

DON"T MOVE IN WITH SOMEONE YOU AREN"T THINKING OF MARRYING/have been dating for at LEAST a year. Its a colossal mistake, as is jumping impulsively into a committed relationship like a dog in a lake.

At 18 I fell in love with a 32 year old alcoholic who I chased for three years. Wounded animals sometimes must find their own way to safety, sometimes they never do. I fell into a black hole and indulged in my own addictive personality. People who enforce your negative attributes are not good people to keep around. Keeping these people around because you think they understand you or because you feel comfortable sharing the wonderful world of decadence and sorrow is like slowly driving a stake into your heart milimeter by millimeter.

If you don't want to be like your parents then don't. If you have the ability to acknowledge their flaws then you have the capacity to change and control yourself from falling into their patterns of behavior.

I'll write more later.

i should have added: And its important to know the difference between a father and a lover and its important to offer yourself stable ground to walk upon when both lead you to pits of quick sand.

ALSO: <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/k9tlQMSovCk&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param></object>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9tlQMSovCk

If I could tell my twelve-year-old self anything, it would be: "You know those older girls at school you think are SO beautiful and can't get off your mind? That's called a crush. You're waiting to have that for a boy, but stop waiting, because girls are it for you. You're not straight and that's awesome!" And then when I freaked out about that, I would tell myself: "Being a lesbian-- or being gay, or queer, or whatever you want to call it-- is one of the things that makes you YOU. It's just as much a part of your identity as your ethnicity, your goals, your activities and your beliefs. If you choose to let it, it can show you a community of people who are quirky, fascinating, supportive, and who also identify as queer. Don't worry about being a freak; you are fantastic, intelligent, ambitious, capable, self-aware, AND you like girls! it's fine and great. Oh, and all those problems that other girls have with boys? You'll have that with girls too. People and relationships are beautiful, scary, messy, complicated, and wonderful-- no matter what gender you're with."

So: a bit about sexuality, and how liking girls and boys, or just girls, or just boys, or just PEOPLE is all a valid and beautiful thing. And how you'll find a community and people who are like you no matter what. I think that's what my twelve-year-old self needed to hear most.

I would tell 12 year old me to stop praying for your body to change!

In the past decade and a half besides the overt changes of curves and (an inch of) height, I've found myself missing the days when a twisted ankle was something I could walk off, where I didn't wake up with back pain thanks to the chest I prayed so hard for, where I had never felt rain in my bones because of old injuries. I really really miss being able to do cartwheels and the splits without worrying about pulling anything. I miss going for 3 mile hikes in the mountains without the needing a walking stick half way through. I miss riding the same damn rollercoaster 12 times in a row and only feeling mildly sick at the end of the day.

I would tell myself to enjoy the energy, health, and flexibility of my youth.

In conjunction with something someone else said before... I would tell myself that if I'm 16 and a 23 year old wants to date me, don't do it. If he's really the guy fo you, he will wait until you are at least 18 before pursuing that relationship. There is nothing wrong with dating older (or younger!) men but a 7 year age difference in your 20's and 30's is completely COMPLETELY different than when you are still in your teeens.

pre-teen jaime needed to know that she did not have to accomplish her every life's goal by the time she was 25. somewhere along the way she got it stuck in her head that if she was not a success in her youth, she'd never be a success at all, that for some reason the ingenue was better than the ass-busting older pro. young girls need to be reminded that women do NOT disappear after 30, but continue to create & be outrageously awesome, so STOP BEING SO AFRAID & APPRECIATE THE TIME YOU'RE IN, MKAY?

oh. & when to LET GO. sheesh.

Discussions with my close circle of work girlfriends have garnered these tidbits that every girl should know.

-Break up before you cheat

-do not break up just because your girlfriends are single, do not jump into or stay in a relationship just because they're attached.

-own your look, just because you aren’t allowed to wear/able to afford the latest trends, doesn’t matter. There is no humiliation in not wearing oversized jeans with baby-tees, be comfortable with what you have and go from there ***an addendum to that is, don’t wear something just because it’s “in-style” and don’t give up on your favorite skirt just because it’s “passé” you make your own style.

- Never never never stay with anyone who hits or degrades you. NEVER.

- Don’t strive to be a “Mean Girl” no matter how glamorous they look on tv

- Do not let someone win because you think they will like you more. This applies to intelligence, sports, an business

- If someone gives you a compliment, and it’s not in the form of a disgusting pick up line, TAKE IT.

- When you go to high school, don’t forget your grade school friends, and when you go to college, remember your high school friends.

An awesome co-worker of mine has a daughter in her early teens and her sharpest insult towards her mom lately is "you can't even hold a man down." We were talking about this because, when you are thirteen, THIS SHOULD NOT BE THE SHARPEST INSULT. It seems like every movie with a female lead involve romance and a plot that consists almost entirely of finding a man. We get the message all the time that a relationship is the key to fulfillment and wholeness. Can woman be complete without man? Is this the question we are posing to our impressionable youth? Snow White and Sleeping Beauty would been in a lifelong coma if their true loves had not come and woken them from the humdrum of their lives to whisk them to a fairy tale castle. Ariel changed her physical body and literally left her world to be with a man. Even Mulan's life was in a man's hands - thanks goodness she finally snagged one, for her family's honor. But movies about male characters seem to have love as a side-story, never the main one. Tarzan thought Jane was cute but he followed his curiosity more than her petticoat. Simba did not return to his home for Nala but for his father's memory and for the good of his pride. Don't get me started on how this affects our LGBTQ youth! But for even our heterosexual young girls - we are sending the wrong message. I remember in junior high and early high school when all my friends started dating. They couldn't hang out because they were with their boys. When we were together, they only wanted to talk about their boys. I remember wondering if I should get one just to fit in. But what I remember more vividly was agonizing over the question of "why?" Sure, I thought guys were cute! Sure they made my heart stand still. Sure a smile from my flavor-of-the-month could send me into spirals for days. But why were we supposed to revolve out lives around them? I was still learning who I was (I still am learning who I am). Boys left me feeling giddy and excited and with less time to think about myself and who I was going to be in this huge world. They were a pleasant distraction but they were not the key to any sort of happiness. Some of my friends found themselves consistently heartbroken and miserable. Others found themselves pressured to compromise themselves. When they resisted pressure, they were left heartbroken as well. The young heart is far too precious to exclusively invest it's happiness in another young heart. It needs support, encouragement and camaraderie. It needs to be free to seek and taste the dreams and desires that set it on fire. I am all for flirting and swooning in your teen years. But I was at an absolute loss as to why girls let it consume their lives. We devalue ourselves when we assume someone else holds the key to our happiness and fulfillment. We cheat ourselves of the chance to fulfill ourselves, to seek completeness in what is already around us, to fully appreciate solitude, family and friendship.
I wish less of my students cheated themselves this way. I wish they could see how truly magical, vibrant and precious they are all on their own.

I totally should have just e-mailed you that instead. Sorry Linds!

You are all so wonderful, and your responses are all breaking my heart (in all kinds of ways, happy and sad). Thank youuuuu for being so open in sharing.

Okay so I didn't know what to tell you since I think that YAAF is already so glorious and wonderful, but I think 13 year old Colleen should have known that no matter what happens and no matter how horrible and awful things feel no matter what no matter what SRSLY, GURL NO MATTER WHAT, it will get better.
So don't carve at your skin with a safety pin. And eat those cheesy fries you LOVE during lunch at school. And as a human being you are wonderful and perfectly flawed. It's okay, and even AWESOME to be a tomboy - don't pretend like you're not faster than the boys, and better than them at sports. Get good and what your good at and let it take you places.
Patience is a virtue young Colleens of the world - you will be awesome, it just takes about 18 years to learn how to handle the powers.

Oh hay Linds thanks for the free therapy/childhood flashback.
ILU and this project and I hope everyone in the world hears/reads it.

I think you should also spotlight Planned Parenthood in some way or another, whether you include a section of resources or you discuss them in full. I say this because I've been to many gynos who treated me like a car rather than a human in need of an exam or medical attention and I finally went to PP and I couldn't have left any more appreciative, comfortable and happy with my experience. I'm upset that I wasn't aware of PP until the age of 21 and if I could pass on basic knowledge to teenager or a young adult looking for an affordable and accommodating place to begin taking care of myself, I would definitely refer them to PP.

If I could speak to myself at 12 year old self again and give her some pointers...

You're still a kid. You're going to make mistakes. It's ok, it's not the end of world. Deal with the consequences, learn from the experience. You'll get through it and be stronger for it.

Everyone makes mistakes, even the adults in your life. It's not your fault when the adults in your life cannot come to grips with the consequences of their mistakes, even when they tell you it is. You'll get through it and be stronger for it.

Your body, your mind, your soul, belongs only to you. Take care of it. Don't abuse it, don't let others abuse it. Innocence and knowledge can co-exist, you don't have to lose your innocence to gain knowledge. Anyone who pressures you to compromise yourself isn't worth your energy to begin with.

Follow YOUR heart. Not your friend's, not your significant other's, not your family's, not your parent's. Follow YOUR passion, YOUR heart, YOUR dreams and don't let anyone ever make you feel like those dreams are not good enough. Whether it's fine arts, theater, natural sciences, whatever activity makes you excited to get up in the morning... embrace it!

The infamous THEY? Yeah... if THEY knew half as much as THEY thought, THEY may be dangerous. Don't worry about what THEY think. Strike the words embarrassed and scared from your vocabulary, strike all phrases like "but what will THEY think" from your vocabulary. Go have a ball, be silly, and show the infamous THEY a thing or two about having a blast.

Trust your head over your hormones! Always!

If it seems too good to be true, it is. Always.

Violence begets violence. And NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on you in anger. EVER!

Know thyself. Know what you believe in, what your values are. DO NOT COMPROMISE THEM. EVER!

Hi Lindsey. My name is Christine I really liked listening to you are among friends and fickle little machine. I wish I could include something but I really don't know what to say. I like what everyone else suggested I think what I would say is something similar to what Nicole L said above. And I'd add something about Non-traditional adulthood (something along the lines of this http://www.yesandyes.org/2008/09/in-praise-of-non-traditional-adulthood.html)

Anyway just wanted to let you know how lovely both fickle little machine and you are among friends was. And good luck with the book!

In high school I had my two best friends, one boy and one girl. We did EVERYTHING together, we were inseparable. It was the kind of friendship that if you went somewhere with out the other two people would continuously ask you, "So where is so and so," because they just expected you to be together. Then senior year came and they got into some serious hard drugs and I wasn't too cool with that personally but I wasn't going to tell them not to do it. I still wanted to be friends and I didn't see why we couldn't until they started to completely dismiss me. The cut me out completely, with one month left of senior year. It sucked.

I wasn't alone and I had other friends but what sucked was not having those people in my life anymore. I felt like they didn't have any respect for the friendship we did have and started talking behind my back and making up lies to cover themselves. That didn't really bother me either, just the fact that they completely changed into these petty people that I didn't know.

There is so much talk about what to do when your boyfriend dumps you but what do you do when your best friends dump you?